Death Heals All Wounds
by BlueSkies GreyEyes
Summary: He just wanted to feel alive again. What is wrong with that?
1. chapter 1

He sits at the top of the cliff with the previous hokages' faces carved into the side. Just looking out at the Leaf village. A place he used to call his home. A place where he hurt, cried, loved, and laughed. A place that betrayed him. He has the great nine tails bujji trapped inside, he's a monster. They never really loved him. Pretending, they're all pretending. But he shouldn't blame them. He's pretending himself. Pretending to smile and laugh, while crying and screaming in private. Putting on a henge to hide all the fat, track marks and scars on his tiny arms, to hide his insecurities and depression.

So as he sits there, cool breeze passes caressing his face and he breathes in the scent of his village. Nature, food, and hate. He sighs he knows he won't die if he falls. Kurama won't allow it but it'll be painful, doing something the his Kunais have failed to do anymore.

He scoots forward a bit. He looks down, analyzing the people walk by, trying to find faces he knew even though it was pointless. None of the faces walking below him were ones he knew. Maybe this is his fate. Hah, fate. Neji was right, you can't escape fate. He was foolish to think he'd be able to save and protect everyone. A kid with a big heart, that went through even ugly pain to know he never wanted anyone to go through it. He never wanted to go through it.

Yet he has. That's why he stands up and takes a small step forward. His toes dangling off the end. So close. So close to repenting all of his sins. So close from washing all that blood off of his hands. So close to giving the civilians the sweet relief of not having a demon among them anymore.

He leans forward, almost to the point of falling off, not yet. Forward enough to feel his toes tickling and tingling, his heart racing. Even though he wants this, he still feels the fear of falling. Even through the hate and fear he still feels a glimmer of hope. But the hope is easily squashed by the dread he feels when he thinks about having to push forward and keep going.

Then the pain in his chest flares and he hopeless and lost. So he does the only thing that'll help him but won't kill him, Kurama doesn't have a death wish. He doesn't jump, he just lets himself go and falls. He screams and whimpers as he hits Hogake Minato's nose and hears a few cracks. It's hard to breathe.

He falls fast, but the ground doesn't seem to get any closer. He's falling but the ground seems farther away. Is this a genjutsu? Or is this apart of another failure, something he couldn't do right? When did he start screaming again? Oh, that's not him, his mouth is clenched together. It's just a civilian, why do they care?

The ground is coming closer now, he can finally relax a bit. He feels the wind rush past him and he thinks it all feels surreal. He didn't think he'd actually do it, but the temptation was too much. He closes his eyes and waits with patience and relief for the impact.

Is this a dream? It all feels too real. Will Kurama heal him? It seems a bit much. Will they regret everything? Will he regret everything? Probably not, he doesn't regret anything. Will he feel better after this? Hopefully, he doesn't want to keep feeling like this. A dull ache in his chest that just grows, it gets to be too much sometimes.

When he finally hits, he hears the sickening crack before he feels it. He can feel _everything_ , his bones shifting, breaking, fracturing, puncturing. His lungs collapsing, bleeding, breathing, though just barely. His skin ripping, tearing, bleeding, stretching. His stomach convulsing, wanting to expel its contents. Throat gasping, burning, suffocating. Heart beat slowing, head swelling.

He hears fast footsteps that comes with chakra. He can only hope it's none of his fellow ninjas even though it's likely. He doesn't want to see the relief that he's half dead even though his vision is going. He doesn't want to hear the sigh of relief even though his hearing is leaving.

He can feel his bones and lungs shifting and mending. His heart growing steady, his head unswelling. His throat clearing, skin fixing. Stomach finally expelling. Healing slowly, very slowly.

Then he can't feel anything, body turned numb, mind turned black.

 _Did I die?_


	2. Liar

Then he can't feel anything, body turned numb, mind turned black.

 _Did I die?_

 _No I didnt die._

Of course he didn't die. The Kyuubi wouldn't allow it, how could he forget that? How could he forget that Kurama doesnt have a death wish. That even through the centrues upon centries of being hated my man, he found a way through the hate. Something he couldnt do.

He feels the sunlight on his face and chest, slow beat of his heart and bandages wrapped tightly around him from head to toe. he revels in the feeling of peace the dull pain provides.

He opens his eyes and sees the familiar hospital room, the only one they put him in beause the hospital gets complaints about being to close to a demon. he relaxes his body and can still feel his body slowly healing, much slower now that the Nine Tails stopped healing them himself.

The door opens and he turns his head to see who has the nerve of visiting him, but too at peace to really care. then suddely the dull ache isnt enough. Anger and guilt flood his senses.

 _K_ _akashi_

"Ah, Naruto. You're awake, I'll get Sakura-chan for you."

"Kakashi-sensei, hurry up so I can eat Ichiraku Ramen!"

 _Just smile, everything will go back to the way it was if I just smile_.

"Yea, Yea."

If He just smiles, nothing will change. If he just smiles and pretends then the falling was just a bad dream. only the ghost of the pain as proof it happened. Sakura wont know it was just a bad dream and she'll ask questions. Questions he's not prepared to answer. He'll never answer.

He waits for Kakashi to come back with his fellow ninja. He relaxes again in the tranquility the pain brings. His cells working hard to mend broken bones and peirced organs. Its okay though, as long as it gives him something. Something he can hold onto.

"Naruto! what were you thinking?! Jumping off that cliff could've killed you!"

He just smiles. Thats all he can do in this situation. Smile and hold onto the comforting pain.

"Maa, Sakura-chan, take it slow."

Kakashi just stares at him, trying to find something, trying to search his mind, find out what he's thinking. he'll never let him, they can't know. So he just smiles at him. Everything is going to be okay.

"Ah. Naruto, as a shinobi, you have encountered many traumatic things. As a medical nin its in my job to heal those around me, physically and mentally. Do you understand?"

Kakashi staring at him like that unnerves him, but he cant let it show. He does a slow confused nod. Cant let them know.

kakashi narrows his eye, like he found something. panic flares, dread is cold.

"Sakura-chan, what are you saying? Im perfectly fine, believe it!"

"Naruto... I have to ask you questions, i need you to answer honestly, can you do that?"

 _No_

"Sakura, I don't understand."

She looks close to tears, though he doesn't know why. She hates him, shes just pretending.

"As a medical nin, i have to ask you question you need to be honest to, can you do that?"

 _No_

"Yes? What about though?"

She doesn't answer the question, he doesnt know if he wants her to. Kakashi is still here. The aching pain isnt enough. He needs more.

"Are you having any suicidal thoughts or actions?"

 _Yes_

"What? No! why would you say that?!"

She just continues and Kakashi's stare doesnt waver.

"Have you been feeling a sense of hopelessness?"

 _Yes_

"No! Sakura, why are you asking these?!"

"Damn it Naruto! Just answer the fucking questions!"

She shocked him.

"Okay."

"Are you taking any anti-depressants?"

 _Yes, Baa-chan prescribed them to me after telling her Sasuke has a place to return to_

"yes, Baa-chan prescribed them to me after having a 'feeling'. they never done anything, so I always took them."

 _They did do something, clouded my mind, I cant become the hokage if I cant even be a good shinobi._

"Are you self-harming?"

 _Yes_

"What does that mean?"

 _I know what it means_

"Are you cutting, burning, or using any method to cause harm onto yourself?"

 _Deffinitely yes_

"No, I would never. The thought hasnt even crossed my mind."

 _There's no proof, Kurama healed them all, theres no scars._

"Are you depressed?"

 _Beyond_

"No, why would I be?"

Sakura ignores him and scribbles down something on her notepad, probably his answers. Kakashi's one-eyed stare makes it seem like he knows something. He couldnt have figured it out. He cant know that hes lying. If they know hes lying then whats the point in lying?

Sakura walks out of the room but Kakashi stays. He doesn't say or move for a while. Just sitting there, in peace. The pain isnt enough anymore, he needs more. He has to be patient though, Kakashi is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

"Why did you do it?"

 _You would know_

"You huys are confusing me, i didnt do anything."

He just stares like he knows, but he doesnt because he cant.

"Naruto, why did you jump?"

 _Kakashi-sensei I fell, its more peaceful that way_

"Oh! Is that what this is all about?! Haha! Kakashi-sensei, I was practicing my super cool new jitsu! Once I complete it, itll beat The Chidori any day!"

 _Just smile and laugh, Kakashi-sensei will go away, I just want him to go away._

Kakashi narrows his eye again, so he doesnt know. Of course he doesnt, he can't possibly know. But if he doesnt know then why is he glaring at me? He's just trying to get him worked up. Yea thats it. It wont work because he has to get out of this hospital so he can do it again.


	3. Let Weapons Go

**_Previously_**

It wont work because he has to get out of this hospital so he can do it again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It has been a week before they let him out of the hospital. Kept asking him questions on why. It was always the same old story. He was training and fell, because he wont let them know.

Tsunade out him on suicide watch, because of course they wouldnt want to lose their only weapon. Not that they would anyway, Kurama wont allow it. He never did. She claims she cares, but she doesn't. Only a weapon, Leaf Village's tool for destruction.

Kakashi is suspicious of him. He has to be cautious and careful around him. Kakashi is a wolf hunting his prey. Always watching him, waiting for a slip of the tounge or a moment of weakness to attack. Stalking and waiting patiently for the right time. Always watching.

"Hello Naruto. How are you today?"

 _Fucking peachy, what do you think?_

"I still dont get why I'm here, I need to be out there training."

Avoid questions because he can't lie to them anymore. Divert thier attention because he can't take it anymore. The pain isnt even there anymore. Nothing there to comfort him through this.

Sometimes he thinks it was all a mistake. should he really have done that a week ago? Was it the right choice? Maybe he was pain-driven. He needed his fix before he went insane. Does that make him crazy? He's not crazy.

 _Im not crazy_

"Naruto, I have forbidden you from going on missions and training until we feel you are no longer suicidal."

 _Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't say anything. I can take more, I swear so don't fucking say anything._ "Im not suicidal, haven't you learned by questioning me, interrogating me this whole week?"

 _Stop. Stop. Stop talking. Why am I still talking?_ "How can we trust you? Are you even telling us the truth?"

 _No. No. No. No._ "Tsunade-sama, with all due respect, I have been telling you the truth. You just choose not to believe me."

 _Fucking stop talking, I've been through worse so just fucking god gamn talking, please._ "Excuse me?"

"Baa-chan! im tired of being cooped up in this tiny room! I need to go training."

 _Please forget everything I said, let me go Baa-chan, let me go._

"Naruto, are you sure you're well? As the hokage, I have to right to keep you here. If you're lying to me, I will keep you here until I deem you stable. Do you understand?"

 _Yes. Yes. Yes. I do understand, let me fucking go. I can't._ "Yes! Thanks Baa-chan! You're the best!" She just sighs. He feels so much relief as he runs out the room he's been forced to stay in for the past week. He can feel his muscles shrinking, strength weakening. He has to train twice as hard now.

"Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital, Naruto?"

 _Fuck._ "Kakashi-sensei! Baa-chan let me go, I was on my way to train. I feel weak being cooped up in that damn room all week."

 _Will let me go too, Kakashi-sensei? How much will it take?_ "I'll keep you company while you train so you don't 'fall' again." _Dont put it like that Kakashi, Why can't you just let me go?_ "Really?! Cool! Can you teach me a super cool Jitsu?!"

Kakashi raises the one visible eyebrow. What did he say to raise suspicion?

"I thought you already were working on a 'super cool jitsu'."

 _I said that didn't I? Just let it go. Let me go sensei._ _Laugh and smile, how long will it last?_ "Ah... I forgot it. Havent been training in a week, I lost all of that progress."

 _Believe it. please._ "Hmm. I dont know if you can handle what it."

 _Trying to get a rise out of me._ "OF COURSE I CAN!"

 _Because I'm a weapon aren't I? I have to handle everything_ _perfectly._


	4. Stop Watching Me

**_Previously_**

 _Because I'm a weapon aren't I? I have to handle everything_ _perfectly._

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

 _I need to be alone Kakashi-sensei._

He trained with Kakashi watching him, always watching his every movement. Just one wrong movement he'll go tell Tsunade thats hes suicidal. He's not, he just needs to feel something besides this aching in his chest.

Kakashi never leaves him alone. Whether is eating at Ichiraku Ramen or going home to sleep after a long day. When hes not watching him, he has Pakkun watching him. It's okay, he gets it. He wouldnt want to lose his weapons. So he thinks they dont want to lose their's.

 _But they wont because he can't die, Kurama wont allow it._

Then he stops in the middle of the street. He can feel Kakashi stare at his back. Maybe they don't need to lose their weapon by death. Maybe he needs to just go.

 _Anywhere but here. Its too crowded._

Somewhere where he can be alone and concentrate. Where people aren't watching him. Maybe the ache will go away.

 _But Kakashi, how will I get rid of him?_

He'll have Pakkun track him along with the Inzukas. ANBU will be there too, in the shadows. He'll have to be careful. He'll have to time this right, where the active Inzukas are on missions, and Kakashi has one of his own.

 _Ill need patience, where they start to trust me again and I dont blow up again. Cant have that ruining my new plans._

"You okay, Naruto?"

 _Kakashi._

"Yea Sensei, just thinking if I want to go home and eat or go to Ichiraku."

He seems indifferent but he knows better.

 _Nothing is wrong Kakashi-sensei, stop watching me._

"You always go to Ichiraku Ramen."

"Yea but im low on money. Havent been going on missions."

 _I can use this. They'll let me go on a mission, not alone of course, I can sneak away and go find that perfect place._

"I can treat you this one time."

 _Is this him trusting me or is this a new way for him to watch me? It can put a dent in my plans, but ill see where this goes._

"Really?! Thanks Kakashi-sensei!"

He runs to the shop and remembers he hasnt been here in at least a month. Maybe the week he was gone will cover it. He prays to Kami as he sits down that they dont say anything. Kami has never been on his side.

"Oh Naruto! It's been awhile!"

"Ah, Sorry Jii-san, I was in the hospital then when I got out I needed some training."

Ayame came out then with a worried look on her face. Is she scared she's going to lose the thier protector? She doesnt need to worry, he cant die. He can leave though. A rouge shinobi. How will he fet by?

"Naruto! You were in the hospital?! Are you okay? what happened?"

"Don't worry nee-chan! I got injured training, all better now believe it!"

 _Thats right Kakashi, im sticking to my story because I know you guys can't figure out if im lying or not. Despite your assumptions, you can't really prove anything without me saying anything._

"Ah.. Im glad.. What is it you want to eat?"

"Two bowels of Miso pork please!"

He can't eat that much, but he has to keep up facades. Anything to get Kakashi off his back. He needs to put that plan into action.

(To Be Continued)


	5. Abyss

_Fuck the plan._

He thinks as he just sits there on the bench in front of the village gates. Kakashi won't leave him alone. Not since the fall. He has Pakkun track him down if he doesn't know where he is.

 _I haven't felt pain in weeks and it's starting to show_.

Pain grounds him. Keeps him focused and chases the demons away. Without it he's lost, confused. Helpless.

 _What am I doing_ _?_

He sits there in a daze. People passing by, lost time. Kakashi isn't here but he knows where he's at. There's no way out of this.

 _I should've died that day._

There's no way out. So why is he still trying to hide? There's a hole in his chest bigger than his hand, but there's a wall of skin muscle and bone blocking it. It's deeper than an abyss.

 _I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding. I can't go on anymore._

It's been hours in the same place. People asking if he's okay, he doesn't answer them and just sits there. Silent. In his own head. Away from the world.

 _It hurts and I don't know who to talk to._

Crying brings him back to the real world. A child who tripped and fell was crying for his mommy

"MOMMY!!"

 _I want to take his pain away. Someone so young shouldn't know what pain is._

He gets up, legs shaky, body heavy. It's dusk now. The child just cries for his mommy as he stands in front of the poor innocent.

"Why are you crying?"

The child looks up at him, such sad beautiful eyes. Eyes of a creature who doesn't know what deep pain feels like. Doesn't have an abyss in his chest, slowly swallowing him.

"..'M kn-nee hurts an m-my m-m-m-mommy go-gone!!"

"What's your name?"

"Shizu."

"Shizu, I will help you find your mommy and take your pain away. Sit on the bench I'll bandage you."

Shizu sits on the bench, the tears have stopped looking in awe at the headband tied around his forehead.

"Mr. Are you a ninja?"

"Yes."

Shizu smiled. He thinks that the innocent's eyes looked much more beautiful like that. He bandages the bruised and bloody knee.

"My mommy says that I need to thank the leaf ninjas when I meet one. She says they hurt a lot like my knee but MUCH MUCH bad. Mommy even says some of them get touched by angels."

He helps the child off the bench, holding out his hand for the child to take.

"Your mommy sounds like a wonderful person."

"Thank you Mr. Leaf ninja for protecting me!"

The child's words take him by surprise. No one's ever thanked him before, it makes pain flare in his chest and he just wants to die.

 _Why? Why did you have to say that?_

"You're welcome"

"Mr. Why are you crying?"

They start walking in the direction Shizu came from

"I'm also in pain Shizu-chan. But my pain goes much deeper than what your knee feels like."

"Where does it hurt Mr.?"

He hesitates to tell Shizu.

"In my chest. Imagine a big black hole of nothing. Just slowly swallowing you. That's what I feel."

The children stops and reaches up to put his tiny hand on his chest gently

"There no hole Mr., you fix it?"

"It's deeper than physical, Shizu. It's not something you can ever fix."

He takes Shizu's hand away from his chest and keeps walking

"Will it hurt forever Mr.?"

"It will keep hurting until the day angels touch me."

The child looks sad.

"Your mommy won't kiss it better? My mommy kisses my booboo's better."

"I don't have a mom."

"MOMMY!!"

Shizu runs to the woman he called his mother. She looks frightened

"SHIZU!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I was worried sick! Where did you get that bandage?"

She hugs him close. Relief washing over her, the fear of never seeing her son again dissipates.

"Mommy, the orange hair ninja fix my booboo and he help me find you!"

She looks up at him and their eyes meet. She takes in the leaf symbol on his forehead, then the scars on his cheek. She looks at him with fear and hate.

 _Why is she looking like that? Is it me?_

"Shizu you are to never go near that man. He's dangerous."

"Mommy! He's sad! His chest hurts. He said there's a hole and his mommy is gone!"

The mother seems angry now.

"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING MY SON YOU MONSTER?! DON'T GO NEAR HIM AGAIN YOU CREEP!!"

He just leaves. Continues walking not paying attention to where. It's nighttime now. He stops where he is and looks around.

 _I'm back up here. I already know I won't die from the fall._

He feels a sense of deja vu as he walks to edge and peers down. Blood on the 4th Hokage's nose. Telling someone didn't change anything. The pain is still there. I want it to go away. I'm drowning in my thoughts.

He starts crying

 _I just wanna fucking die. God please just let me die._


End file.
